“Freeing yourself was one thing; claiming ownership of that freed self was another.” ~ Toni Morrison
Hey everybody and Happy New Year! Did y’all miss me?! Well, I hope y’all did because I missed writing for you all. I know it’s been such a long time since y’all have seen an entry of mine and trust, it’s been killing me that I haven’t written anything in MONTHS! Between finishing up my last year in undergrad, preparing for graduate school, A LOT of personal issues, and more, my resilience has been tested like no other. Despite all of this, I still genuinely value everyone that takes the time out to read my entries! Every reader is much appreciated, and y’all are really the reason why I have been able to keep some amount of faith. The fact that people still visit my site to read what I have to say reinforces the importance of my blog. I just hope y’all can bear with me as I am going through a multitude of changes right now.
We will be doing something a little different today, I’m gonna give y’all a chance to be all up in my business lol. To be honest, I have been battling if I even wanted to write and publish this entry for months. Chile, I’ve been writing this entry since July 2021 and we’re in a whole different year now lol. But, here we are with a very vulnerable entry about my current journey of self-love. I hope y’all enjoy it!
Within my time in college, I found myself in two different “romantic” situations that contributed to my journey navigating my 20 somethings. One situation was over the course of my undergrad experience, and OMG, did I have the worst time ever!? With this situation, I really allowed my daddy issues to show, honey. Due to me being so accustomed to inconsistent signs of affection and intimacy, I really allowed this person to be just like my bald head ass daddy (in my momma’s voice). Okay okay, on a serious note, I truly did allow this person the full power to do as he pleased without any repercussions. In the very back of my mind, I was thinking “Well maybe this will pay off in the long run.” I’m not a fan of sharing feelings, so proper communication between us just did not exist. So, I would never question the MANY times he ghosted me, his shift of attention towards other girls, or the unsaid and expected rules of this “situation”. Hell, I didn’t even ask this boy to follow me on Instagram. Instead of questioning, I was just in my dorm and sitting there until he showed up. Sometimes he did, and sometimes… he didn’t. On the occasions when he did decide to show up, it’s like all of those things just didn’t matter and we’re right back at square one. Yes, I was giving very much “pick me” and I am fully aware of that… now. In this case, all power was in his hands and each situation played into his favor. Admittedly, my confidence was already trash before meeting him, but damn he didn’t make it any better! Yet, for some reason, I couldn’t allow myself to let go. I saw him as my first college friend and became comfortable being around him. So comfortable that I tolerated and ignored every red flag, no matter how close it was in my face assuming it was all worth it for my “pick me love story ending”. With my confidence in the gutter and poor decision-making, I followed that person like a pitbull puppy around until I graduated college. Booooo tomato, tomato, tomato, I’m throwing tomatoessssss.
My other situation occurred in my very last year of undergrad. And, it was just as ghetto as the last one! With this person, we started off non-committal but, of course, he caught feelings for a young playa pimp wit a limp (I’m so sorry y’all have to read that lol). This entire relationship was filled with constant signs and acts of narcissism at its finest. During the beginning, it was truly the honeymoon phase through and through. Initially, he really seemed interested in me, who I was, what I did, and all that good stuff. He was constantly reaffirming my beauty, wanting to always be with me, and just overall, including me into his regular routine. I still remember being on the phone with my friends telling them, “Yes, I feel so safe with him. I think he can really see me. I can’t go a day without him.” But, like all phases, they eventually end. Our situation was filled with trauma-bonding and love bombing that made me feel like I had to walk on eggshells to keep us together. There would be times where we would disagree and it always seemed to be bigger than what it needed to be. So much to the point where he would flat out ignore me or vice versa. Now contrary to belief, I am not perfect, so I’m bound to make mistakes time and again. But, damn it seemed like every problem was somehow my fault. For example, I would be upset at miscommunication then he’d be mad at me for being upset, and now we look like two big mad dummies. Yet, this one was different. I was more mature in this situation compared to the last, so I took the necessary steps to be more emotionally responsible. He and I had many hard conversations about family issues, insecurities, and more just because I really wanted to make it work. But, a lot of the time it felt we were picking up pieces over and over without actually reconciling. We kinda patched up the bare minimum just to help us sleep at night and still have each other the next day.
Now I can’t give y’all the full tea, but eventually, both these situations ended poorly. After an empty promise to be “consistent”, my longer situation ghosted me and randomly popped up with a girlfriend. And, my other situation ended with me finding out he was essentially cheating on me around the finals weeks of my last semester of undergrad (and had the audacity to start dating her soon after). I was crying and throwing up… literally.
Kind of sad but you remind me
You remind me of a love that I once knew
Kind of sad but you remind me
You remind me of a love who outgrew me too
He released me into orbit
Still I found a way to navigate to you
Orbit - Nao (2017)
Within my orbit around this universe, I know a lot of my responses in these situations were based on my responses to trauma. I remember being a daddy’s little girl and always in that man’s shadow. Once my parents divorced, I noticed that I never received that same love and affection from either one of my parents. I spent most of my adolescence searching for ways to get those feelings back and I found that my academic success could slightly recreate them. Yet, once my successes settled, so did the love. Especially with my dad, getting him to simply pay attention was like pulling teeth even with me succeeding. Soon my successes became normal and expected, so I could only get so much love. The constant cycle that I found myself in with men was crippling my self-esteem and confidence. Since I was a kid, I have had this learned mentality to prove myself to others for their love/attention no matter the costs. Whether that meant staying up all night to ensure my Writing report got an A or letting dudes do as they please, I was programmed to do it all for the sake of being comforted and acknowledged.
It wasn’t until just recently that I decided that enough was enough. I can no longer sacrifice my happiness for the inconsistent love/affection that I had to humiliate myself and work my ass off to get.
As of July 2021, I cut off all contact with my dad. After almost 15 years of constant disappointment, I could no longer take how crippling my dad is in relation to my growth as a young woman. With the money that I saved from working and some from my mom, I bought my first car and moved to LA county all by myself to start grad school. I admit it’s been hard. My original plan did not look like this at all. I had to deal with all of this while in summer school and jump straight into grad school soon after. I spent almost the whole summer in a strange place between emotional chaos and madness, I cried so much until the point of numbness. My future plan was destroyed and I was forced to reimagine what it looked like after so much change.
Yet, I failed to realize the reality of my situation. This is the first time that my orbit is finally granted to me. I’ve spent the bulk of my life succeeding and trying to prove that I am worthy of love and attention without even giving it to myself. This is my true orbit where I am focused on nothing but the upliftment and care of myself. No more pick me energy. No more proving myself. No more disregarding my needs. No more inauthentic love and attention.
It’s time that I heal my inner child and take time to love her in the way she needed a long time ago. It’s time that my orbit starts navigating around me.
~Cheyenne